CHAPTER 2. My Biggest Fear

OK I have given this web address to alot of people that I know and trust. To those people you know who you are- Preston you are no longer welcome near me or on this website- please try to keep this a secret because this eats me up inside.
I am terrified of spiders and thats not a secret. When people ask me what my biggest fear is I say spiders. But I realized thats not true. It was really unsettling to realize that something that had been stuck in my heart was something I was afraid of. I don't quite remember when but there was I time when I started to wonder when I would know if I had found someone that I would love and love me back. . I know that I am different from so many people because I was born with the ability to love unconditionally and I do. To so many people that don't deserve it. So it worried me to think of myself as someone that would die alone. It's a completely insane fear seeing that I'm very young but also a rational one. Lots of people say I'm to young to love someone but their wrong. I have loved the most moronic, insane, crazy, perverted, and smart guy for THREE YEARS!! There have been moments when I started liking other people but I always go back to that same person. (I don't know how I went from talking about dying alone to someone I've loved for years but I'm on a roll, so whatever).
Everyone always says ewwww and gross when someone brings him up they also call him freakishly tall- which makes my wonder what they say about me. I don't know why but I forgave him for something that he didn't even know I knew about. I'm not going to say what it is because some of the people reading this actually know who he is and I don't want to spread gossip about him. He told everyone that he was leaving to some much-to-faraway state. I spend hours up in my room looking for his number and when I found it I decided if I told him everything he would feel bad about leaving later. Maybe not this year or in the next ten years but if there was one split second that he was in pain becuase of me I would feel awful about it. I'm not sure but if he was really, really, really, happy with someone else I don't think I would care because it makes my heart soar to see him smile but it skips a beat when he smiles because of me. I'm not very happy about who I've heard he's going out with. I can't ask him if he is going out with that person because then he would know I actually gave a crap about him.
Life should be as simple as a song "I want you to want me" (If you haven't heard that song then well your normal but thats beside the piont). He kind of reminds of the song "Chasin' cars" by "Snow Patrol". No one would ever understand how I can make that comparison but I guess thats becuase I don't see people like everyone elso does... especially him.